found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize