she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
