I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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