I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
