We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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