I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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