Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
