Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
