i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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