you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
