Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
