the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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