well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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