theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
