Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
