My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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