Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
