This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
