FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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