I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
