I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you had me at cake vodka
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
