it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So squirting runs in the family.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
