Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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