i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
