I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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