he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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