did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
