I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize