is your mom at the bar?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
