the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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