I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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