my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
