I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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