I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
