I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize