thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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