You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
