Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize