I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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