Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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