ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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