it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
