Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
