Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
