The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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