my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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