you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
