Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
