Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
