dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
