Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The chlamydia really affected his face.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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