Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
