i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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