Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
