It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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