Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
