You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
