I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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