Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
