I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
