My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
