when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize